furball

you'll be missed monique...

God Bless you and your family

matandang issue na,
hindi naman sa inuungkat but i just realized that i wasn't able to write a blog about it pa...
it wasn't funny then but i find it soooo hilarious now...hahahahaha
focus tel, focus.. hehe

tara christmas party tayo! keri nyo lang mga 27-28 kung overnight sa isang resort or 27/28 kung dinner lang sa bahay? (pero mas okay sana yung resort for more bonding momemts yun nga lang ubiiiiir laamiiiiiig nyan so baka wala ring magswim pero kebs na decor na lang yung pool ganyan )

letlet, magrereply dapat ako sayo sa text pero nawalan ako ng load....paumanhin dukha ako these days... so ano, game? ito so far yung rates sa resorts na napagtanungan ko:

1. Bretsch and Barrie (antipolo)
 - 12 hours
 - 6,500
 - 26 pax, 350 for every excess
 - pool. function hall, kitchen (additional charge 400 pag ginamit yung utensils, kawali etc)


2. Scrapyard (angono)
- rates: (pool)
    9AM-5pm - 100
    5pm-12mn - 120
    5pm-5am - 250

- room rates:
    8 pax: 2500
    4 pax: 2,300 / 2,000 / 1500
    2 pax: 1000
*check out 11 AM
 
- private pool: good for 50-60 people
    9AM-5PM: 5000
    5PM-5AM: 8000
    5PM-12MN: 6000
 * no rooms, just 4 cottages

3. 3B resort (antipolo)
    - 4500
    - 12 hours
    - bahay bakasyunan
    - pool
    - stove / kitchen
    - + 500: unlimited videoke

4. cattleya fam resort (antipolo)

POOL	Day Rate (9am-5pm)	Night Rate (7pm-7am)
Pool #1	P8,000	P8,500
Large Pool, Kiddie Pool and Jacuzzi, Children's Playground  4 Large Bedrooms (3 aircon) Villa, 4 Bathrooms, Kitchen, Barbecue Area FREE use of Videoke Capacity: 40 people P14,500 for 9am-7am straight slot
Pool #2	P8,000	P8,500
Large Pool, Kiddie Pool and Jacuzzi 4 Bedroom (4 aircon) Villa, 2 Bathrooms, Kitchen, Barbecue Area FREE use of Videoke Capacity: 40 people P14,500 for 9am-7am straight slot
Pool #3	P5,000	P5,500
Large Pool, Kiddie Pool, Children's Playground 1 (aircon) Bedroom Villa, 2 Bathrooms, Kitchen, Barbecue Area FREE use of Videoke 3 Bahay Kubo Capacity: 40 people P9,500 for 9am-7am straight slot
Pool #4	P7,000	P7,500
Large Pool, Kiddie Pool, Jacuzzi, Children's Playground  2 Bathrooms, Kitchen, Barbecue Area 2 Bahay Kubo (1 w/ aircon) FREE use of Videoke Capacity: 40 people P12,500 for 9am-7am straight slot

Note:

1. There is an extra P100/head beyond the published capacity
2. Bringing your own food and drinks is allowed
   

***biased ako gusto ko dito sa cattleya, maganda kasi hehe pero kruhal so on we go to the next option:

5. club serene (hilltop taytay)
si chevy lang nagbanggit sakin noon ng rate ng club serene and nakalimutan ko na kung magkano pero ang natatandaan ko mas mura siya ng ubir compared to the other resrts na namention ko above. tinry ko i-search sa internet pero some friendster account lang yung natagpuan ko (or tinamad nako maghanap pa) tignan nyo na rin if you want: http://profiles.friendster.com/46280899 keri naman daw yung place ayon sa mga utaw at muril lang. plus factor din ang fact na mas madali siyang puntahan compared to antipolo.

so hanuna friends? san nyo gusto? friend, (yah you na nagababasa nito) patulong naman sa text brig, para maka decide na tayo kung saan at kailan tayo magkikita kita. sana marami makapunta para harpee, hanubanaman yung magkita kita tayo soon, hindi nyo ba namimiss ang isa't isa? ako miss ko na kayo, game reply reply reply!

PS: re: out of town trip...medyo mahal at wala nang oras pagplanuhan so keri nyo lang sa summer na? gusto ko mag beach (or bitch) this summer who's in? para mapagplanuhan / mapagipunan na natin. madami daw magagandang beach (or bitch, hmmm) sa batangas, ano tara?

PPS: ganito gawin natin. TEXT kayo sa 09084041809 (dun na sa smart wag sa globe pleats, puno na inbox ko dun) kung aattack kayo sa party or hindi. para alam ko na kung ilan pupunta. nasa dami ng pupunta nakasalalay yung location natin. mas marami mas keri natin sa mas mahal na loc. kung konti lang ang mangyayari is magcclub serene na lang tayo or magbbahay ng isa satin.or pwede rin tayo sa kalsada...chooovaaa...

friends pag nabasa nyo po tong message na to pakitext na yung friendivates nyo para makausad na tayo. puro lang tayo exchange of emails eh, hehe

hanuna, magtext na kayo for confirmation thanks!!! 

I was at the 22nd PMPC star awards last night, and while everybody donned couture gowns and pretty dresses, I strutted the red carpet  wearing my very fashionable ensemble of bench overhaul pants, chuck taylors and a shirt I unearthed from my mom's closet. I looked more like a PA than part of the production team whose program was nominated in 2 categories.

we were at enchanted kingdom the whole day yesterday (getting on all the rides for free, hehe) doing an ocular for another ML ep, thus the jeans-chucks get up. had I known that we were to attend the star awards that night I would have brought a dress and a pair of heels with me. I remember not wanting to get out of the crew cab last night feeling embarrassed at how I looked. things didn't get any better when we were inside, especially when we saw that everyone were all dolled up wearing dress-to-kill outfits and smiling with lips painted with red lipstick. I remember walking at the red carpet, head bowed, wishing that I was either dressed for the occasion or I was at home watching the star awards on television.

It was kinda embarrassing but it was really really fun. we saw a loooot of TV personalities, took a lot of pictures (of ourselves, hindi nung mga artista, kebs namin sa kanila), screamed in delight when our show was awarded as the best educational program, took a lot of pictures,  congratulated sir kim when he bagged the award as the best educ. program host, took a lot of pictures, snuck out halfway through the program, took a lot of pictures (and vids for the plugs), pigged out at krokodile grill, and yes, took more pictures.

i got home at around 2 in the morning feeling elated and telling myself that yesterday was probably one of the most interesting days in my life. (not as interesting as last Friday though, when I hurt my legs for using the body slender too much and walking from sm marikina to rob metro east just so I could go home. I wrote another blog entry about my friday mayhems which, unfortunately hindi nasave at na publish dito *what's wrong with you multiply?*)

PS: i bought a copy of david cook's album and it is beeeeyooootiiiful! I fell in love with DC all over again...

So, the PERFECT daughter/sister has spoken huh? In your blog you said you're looking for another sister: somebody who's not a coward, who shows concern for the family, particularly to the older brother and who respects everyone in the family. You have some nerves looking for such a sister. I doubt that you'll ever find one. We are oftentimes given what we deserve. You won't find a perfect sister because you yourself are far from perfect. You're not even close to being a good one.

May I ask you a few questions? Though I;m not really expecting brilliant answers from someone who has a mind as dull as yours. Don't try too hard okay? You've been such a trying hard bitch all your life, aren't you tired?

What is cowardice? Are you a coward if you choose to keep your mouth shut in times of confrontation? Was i a coward for choosing to be silent while I was being harassed by an impertinent and disrespectful person like you? How dull your mind truly is! I wasn't afraid of your sudden outburst. I wasn't startled with your screaming. I actually found it funny, how emotional and overly sensitive you were over a comment I INTENTIONALLY blurted out to spark you anger. You don't get it do you? I got the reaction that i wanted and I, I've won the battle, the moment you came charging at me, screaming at the top of your lungs.

Now that, that was DISRESPECTFUL young lady - attacking a person much older than you are just because you couldn't use the internet (disrespectful and shallow). Have you forgotten the things they taught you in school (and for pete's sakes, you're supposed to be studying in a Catholic university???) - Respect the elderly! it must have slipped off your puny little brain. Tsk,tsk,tsk. Didn't you see how i just looked at you and never said a word about your sudden outburst and your filthy hands pressed forcibly on my cheeks? (I had to wash my face several times, the stench from your hands won't come off. Yuck, you really are filthy.) Sino ngayon satin ang bastos? ako? hahahahahahaha. I beg to disagree.

Yours was "A TALE TOLD BY AN IDIOT, FULL OF SOUNDS AND FURY SIGNIFYING NOTHING." And just as expected, that was the farthest you went: shouting. If I was in your place, and I was really infuriated, I wouldn't waste my energy on mere words. I would've smacked my fists on my opponent's face. Why didn't you hit me? Oh I have an idea, YOU WERE AFRAID - damn scared of what I might do to you if you did. Damn scared of what your father would have done to you if he saw you slap me. So instead of hitting me, you vented your anger by destroying my cellphones, and damaging my books. The horrendous cracks in the housing, the sudden SIM lock, my books' ripped covers. Don't deny it anymore. Who else could have done it? My brother? He was asleep. Mom? She won't do something silly. Your dad? He may be favoring you more but he's not as cheap as that. The maid? She had no access to the room. The cats? The dog? Who else could have done it huh? The next time you do something as cheap and as stupid as that, make sure you have a decent alibi okay?

Oh, I also heard that you were talking about concern for the family. Well. let me ask you this: are you more loving just because you whip up cups of coffee for your brother? Are you a better sister just because you've done more favors for your brother? Haven't you thought about this: that the reason you've done more favors for him is because when he wants something done, he asks for your favor and not mine. So mas may malasakit ka kasi ikaw yung laging inuutusan? What kind of twisted logic is that? And how dare you use such shallow criteria for judging my concern for my brother or this family! But then again, YOU ARE A SHALLOW PERSON, and so I rest my case. (Oh and don't you tell me that you were showing concern when you chose to sleep in the hospital room and not in your dorm room when I was hospitalized a few months back. If I know, you were only after the comforts of sleeping in an air conditioned room! You call that concern?!? Jeez!!!)

You think of yourself highly don't you? Well, let me tell you something: Don't go look for a better sister because YOU DON'T DESERVE ONE! And instead of calling people's attention to the speck of dirt on their faces, why don't you wipe off that splatter of mud on your filthy face?!?!? Grow up will you?!?!

PS: to the person who happens to be my dad: thanks for making me realize that I'm so sick and tired of being least loved. If I wasn't hospitalized, I wouldn't have felt that I also mattered to you. But what the heck, I don't give a damn anymore. Go ahead and have a freaking date with your only daughter. Spoil that bitch all you want, I don't care. I have one last favor to ask though, just leave me alone.

the third world war starts now

"The goal of life is not to eliminate misery, it's to keep misery at a minimum. Someone's gonna be miserable sometime, accept it...that's how i stay happy. You're good, don't screw it up just because you're miserable." - Dr. Gregory House, House Season 4 

"The God who spoke still speaks. The God who forgave still forgives. The God who came still comes. He comes into our world. He comes into your world. He comes to do what you can't. He comes to move the stones you can't budge.
Stones are no match for God. Not then and not now. He still moves stones." - Max Lucado

and i am so scared... 

You do pay a price when you don’t take care of your body. What started out as urinary tract infection during my pre-employment medical exam turned into a kidney infection called acute pyelonephritis. The cure for the disease is antibiotics, but my infection was so grave, I had to undergo dialysis twice.

It started more than 2 months ago, I was diagnosed with UTI after undergoing the pre-employment medical exam for ABS-CBN. My concern back then wasn’t really my health. I was more concerned about being cleared so that I could finish all my requirements and finally get my salary. I took the antibiotics that the doctors gave me, had a repeat urinalysis and was finally given a medical clearance. Now the clearance didn’t really mean that I was completely cleared of my urinary tract infection. The doctor in ABS-CBN’s clinic gave me strict instructions to take another round of antibiotics. But since I was already given the medical clearance, I didn’t really pay much attention to the UTI. I didn’t take any antibiotics.

Last August 16, I noticed a stinging sensation whenever I peed, particularly during the beginning and towards the end of the peeing process. And I noticed that I peed more frequently than I did before. On August 17, While watching a movie with my family, I felt the urge to pee every 5 minutes or so. Pabalik-baliki ako sa banyo, I wasn’t able to enjoy the movie anymore.

Come Monday, August 18, I already had a slight fever. I decided not to go to work that day. I was on antibiotics, the one prescribed by the doctor in ABS-CBN. I was really positive; I felt that I was going to get better soon. I wanted to go back to work at around Wednesday.

But my condition wasn’t getting any better. By Tuesday, I’ve already stopped eating. My fever shot up to around 39.5 degrees. All I could take in were liquids. I was brought to the family doctor. He changed my antibiotics to another kind with a higher level of potency. No use. By Wednesday early morning, I was already vomiting. I also had diarrhea. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t drink. My tummy was empty but I was still vomiting and defecating. I was so dehydrated. My mom said I looked like the living dead. They folks decided to rush me to the hospital.

I really had a bad luck that day. On the way to the hospital, my dad suddenly realized that he brought the wrong car. It was a Wednesday and the car’s plate number ended with a 6. Color coding! It was only 6:30 in the evening so the car wasn’t supposed to be out on the street yet. Dad made a quick turn and parked the car in front of Arcadia subdivision. We had to wait for like 30minutes. Meanwhile, I was vomiting whatever liquid was left in my already dehydrated body.

We arrived at the UST hospital at around 7:30pm. I was brought to the emergency room, was hydrated through IV, and underwent a series of tests. The most memorable would be the CT scan. For the scan to be clear, you have to have a full bladder. Not really a problem, except that I throw up every time I try to eat or drink anything. (Yep, even water.) The CT scan technician wouldn’t want to do the scan unless I had a full bladder, and for that to happen, I had to drink at least a liter of water. Of course I wasn’t able to finish one liter. Whenever I tried to drink, I vomited. Damn, it was horrible.  Naawa naman daw yung technician sakin. He did the scan kahit hindi ganun ka-full yung bladder ko. My urethra was clear, no stones or obstructions of any sort. They ruled out kidney stones.

During the CBC test, the doctors found out that my creatinin level was 5 - a level so alarmingly high, the panic showed in their faces. (the normal level is 1.2, mine was 5 times higher than usual) Creatinin is a poison, a waste product of protein that is supposed to be disposed of by the kidney. I also had protein in my urine, which isn’t supposed to be happening. Apparently, my kidney was not functioning the way that it was supposed to be functioning – thus the diagnosis: acute pylo nephritis, a kidney infection that lead to kidney malfunction…

My first night in the hospital was horrible. They administered 100mg of antibiotics through IV. I had stomach spasms so atrocious that pain killers couldn’t do anything to alleviate the pain. I screamed in pain and literally cried myself to sleep.

A team of Nephrologists introduced themselves to us the following day (Thursday). My attending physician, Dra. Comes explained what was happening to my kidney. Acute pyelonephritis is a kidney infeiction that scars the kidney in every infection. If not corrected, it may lead to significant damage to the kidney or even kidney failure. In really grave cases, it could also lead to sepsis and multiorgan system failure. That’s why they also did a blood test that had something to do with the pulmonary department. They just wanted to see if my infection already caused some kind of sepsis. Thank God it didn’t go to that extent.

Another 100mg of antibiotics was administered through IV that same morning. I went through another CBC test and the result showed that I wasn’t getting any better. My crea level went up from 5 to 5.5. It was inevitable; I had to undergo emergency hemodialysis that same afternoon.

When the doctor told me about the dialysis, I looked at my mom, teary-eyed. All she said was, “we have no choice, let’s push through with it”. After the doctors left, I bawled out: “but I’m only 21 ma...” I’m not sure if it was the dialysis that I was afraid of or if it was the minor operation that scared me to death. I really didn’t fancy the idea of lying in an operating table, with my neck being cut open and a tube pushed inside my jugular vein. Well, I also didn’t like the idea of blood being sipped out of my body, cleaned by a machine and pumped back into my body. I was really scared, the worst part was, I didn’t have anybody to talk to. I left my globe phone at home and all of my friends’ numbers are saved there. I was so scared; I desperately needed to talk to somebody.

And then I remembered that during the previous week, I used my smart number to call up Eugene. I informed him about my situation, and the dialysis that I had to undergo that afternoon. I was expecting an oh-my-gosh-sige-we’ll-include-you-in-our-prayers reply. What I got instead was a candid and cheerful reply, something like: “nakalimutan mong birthday ko kahapon hindi moko binati, tsaka kaya mo yang dialysis”. I laughed upon reading the reply, God really has a way of cheering you up. I was already down in the dumps because of my condition and God knew that the last thing I needed was a panicky reply from a friend. Thank God for Eugene. Somehow, his positive attitude rubbed on me and I found myself less scared.

I was awake during the operation, it was a minor operation, just a small incision through the neck so they didn’t need to put me to sleep.  I hardly felt it. Last thing I felt was the cold antiseptic being sprayed on my neck, before I knew it, the tube was already inserted through my jugular vein. I did feel the prick of the needle though, when they stitched the sides of the incision. But that pain was bearable, they’ve been sticking needles on my hands and arms ever since I got confined (for the IV and the blood tests). I had to lie on the operating table for another 30 minutes. A portable x-ray machine was brought in and they just checked if the tube was indeed properly inserted. After that, I was brought outside the operating room and had to wait for another 30minutes or so before I was brought down to the dialysis ward.

My first dialysis session lasted for about 2 hours. Time went by sooo slow. I couldn’t move. I simply lay in bed and stared at the ceiling listening to the sounds of the dialysis ward - the constant humming of the machines, the beeping sounds, other patients munching on snacks and sweets (you’re free to eat anything you want since your blood is being cleansed naman), the nurses’ footsteps and voices of varying pitch. The place smelled of antiseptic and sickness. Around me were old people, some in their 50s, and others in their 70s or probably 80s. I was the youngest in the ward.

When you’re undergoing dialysis, sobrang haba ng 2 oras. One could not imagine how relieved I was when it was finally over. I was brought to my room afterwards. That night, the Lucases came to visit, so did my office mates. I was soo happy to see cheerful faces in my room that night, it made everything a little easier to bear…

I had fever that night, and nightmares too, probably an effect of the dialysis. My mom said that I was talking in my sleep, I was saying something like “alisin nyo yan, yung ibang breed ng aso...”. I was actually having a dream about dogs. I also woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t want to go back to sleep. I was afraid daw that my snoring would cause my catheter to pop out of my neck. And when some nursing students came to check my vitals (blood pressure, temperature and all) I looked at them daw with frightened eyes, whimpered and covered my face with my hands. I also mistook the madonna and child painting in my room as the anubis. Needless to say, I had a tough night, but I fell asleep anyway. When I woke up the following day, I was so exhausted.

My crea level dropped from 5.5 to 2.9 after the first dialysis, but li’l old kidney still needed help so off I go to the dialysis ward for my second dialysis. The second round lasted for about 4 hours. I slept through it but would occasionally wake up and complain about having chills. I already had 2 blankets wrapped around me but I still felt cold. In the end, they decided to put an incandescent lamp over me just so I would feel warm. Para akong itlog na nililimliman, feeling ko nasa loob ako ng incubator.

After the second dialysis my crea level went down to 2. The doctors decided to keep me under observation for several days and see if my crea level would go down further without dialysis. I was still on antibiotics, but this time, I took it orally. I recovered from all the vomiting although I still had feats of diarrhea. But my appetite was back, the sad part though is that all I could eat was the food served by the hospital. So while my family shared KFC buckets, inihaw treats from Reyes BBQ and value meals from McDo, there I was “feasting” on bland, and weird tasting hospital food.

I was surprised at how disciplined I was. My mom would occasionally offer to feed me a slice of cake or a bite of grilled tuna but I insisted on eating only what was served by the hospital. I wanted to get better as soon as possible. I wanted to get out of the hospital.

It’s not because I wasn’t treated well, the nurses and doctors were actually very very nice. And they regularly came to see if my condition was improving. It’s just that we’ve been in the hospital for days already and aside from the fact that I was bored to death, I was concerned about the hospital bill. This hospitalization cost me my car (Ouch!). What’s worse is that my sister decided not to push through with her Hongkong trip anymore. I really felt ashamed of being ill. My condition worsened because of my negligence. Had I taken those antibiotics earlier, I wouldn’t have ended up in a hospital bed with a tube stuck inside my throat.

It was already Friday, when I realized that I also had Dan’s number in my phone, I texted him to tell him that I was about to undergo my second dialysis. The news spread after that. I got to inform my high school friends on Saturday. The succeeding days were spent entertaining visitors in my very fashionable hospital gown (na butas sa likod, keri nyo yun?), all the while being monitored by the doctors for signs of improvement. When my crea went down to 1.6, I was finally allowed to go home. The doctor told me to resst for one week at home (Good luck sakin, sana may trabaho pakong babalkikan. Three weeks absent nako!). The dietician told me to stick to a diet of fish and chicken breast plus lots and lots of veggies and fruits. I’m not allowed to eat any processed food like hotdogs, tocino, tapa, etc, and canned goods like corned beef and luncheon meat. I can’t eat red meat, or fish with no kaliskis (think: tuna, pampano). Bawal na rin ang isaw, bawal na condiments, bawal na cup noodles, the worst part – bawal na coke forever! My mom makes sure that my food is more bland than the food served to the rest of the family – no broths cubes, no condiments, no ajinomoto, no nothing, just a little (and may I stress on the word little) salt, that’s it.

Sometimes I wish I was sick of something else, typhoid fever kunwari. Kasi when you get better,  you could eat anything you want na. This kidney illness is really frustrating, I mean I’ve always looooooved condiments, I want my food to have this “alsado” flavor. Plus I love tocino and hotdog and longganisa and other processed food. My favorite sandwich is luncheon meat sandwich and coke, my gosh I looooooooooove coke! Gosh, it really is depressing.

But hey, I need to recover 100% and when I finally do, there’s no way that i’m gonna mess up my kidneys again. I don’t wanna live on dialysis. I don’t want to have a tube forever stuck on my neck or my arm. Please, no more dialysis.

So what good did I get from all these? I felt loved. So loved it overwhelmed me, humbled me even. The entire experience became bearable thanks to the love and support that I got from my family, from our relatives and my friends.

I would forever be grateful to my family who supported me all the way. Imagine, I was in the hospital for a week and in all the nights that I spent there, I was with my dad and mum and sister. My sister lives in a dorm just outside UST but instead of choosing the comfort of her own bed in her own room, she chose to sleep in a hospital bed just so she could be with me and the rest of the family. My dad, on the other hand, would go directly to the hospital after work and sleep there. He’d wake up at 5 in the morning, rush to Taytay to get dressed and then head for work. My mom never went home, she was with me all the time, doing things for me, especially during those times that I could barely move and would just sit in the hospital bed.  They also had to put up with all of my complaints, like during the first night when I had terrible stomach spasms or those several times when I would complain of neck pains and head aches. My older brother couldn’t stay in the hospital because he had to work but he offered to apply for a loan to augment part of the hospital bill. My dad didn’t agree on that of course, but just the thought that he was willing to do that for me and for the family made me shed tears. My relatives were equally loving. My London-based cousin ate Elaine cried when she found out that I was hospitalized, and even sent some money to help pay off the hospital bill. My parents didn’t agree on this but she was very persistent. Even my cousin, kuya carlo was bothered that I was undergoing dialysis. We’re not really close but he was so bothered it showed in his face when they came to visit Friday morning. My aunts and uncles and cousins from both the Lana and Agnote clans were all worried about me, they visited, sent text messages of support and called up just to say hi. I received an equal amount of love from my friends.  Somehow I felt lucky to have been sick because I got to see my friends again - friends from high school, from college, and from the community - those I haven’t seen in months or even years.

Each time my family did things for me or assured me that everything would be all right, I was humbled. Each time I had visitors or each time I received text messages or calls, I was humbled. Each time a group of nurses or doctors would barge in the room armed with their ever cheerful faces, I was humbled. If there was something good that happened in all these, it was that I experienced love in its truest, purest form. It was as though God was channeling all His love through the people around me enveloping me with a love so great it made me wanna cry. It was something that I didn’t deserve but was freely given to me. It never fails... God’s love really humbles me every time.

i heard this soundbyte of a david cook intervew dated i-don't-know-when...and he mentioned something about coming here in the Philippines to perform...january 27, 2009 daw yung date...how true is it???? 

*sobs*

woke up early for mass.watched the entire ep of our show this morning.great raves from the bosses.hung out at starbucks, sm taytay - coffee, oreo cheesecake and lots of free taste! (sandwiches, coffee samples, etc.perfect timing, opening day kanina).prepared dinner for the family. did a lot of fooling around with my sister.got in touch with some of my friends.done researching for next week's ep.

today was a great day, thank you Lord.

[June 21, 2008 around 2am]

Lost in transition.

I am back to the all nighters, puyatans and stress. The week that was, wasn't how i pictured my 2nd week at work to be. It was stressful, pressure packed and yes, frustrating at some point. Simply put, I wasn't in tip-top shape this week. No matter how much effort I put into it, something always, always goes wrong.

But then again in those low points came God's small miracles. I grew closer to my officemates. i saw how cooperation and genuine concern for each other worked wonders for all of us. And I realized the value of time.

This is my 4th night here in the office. I’ve been sleeping here since last Tuesday, doing research, booking interviews, etc. Most of my officemates have gone home already, but since it was already late when I finished transcribing some spiels, I decided to stay here until 5am, when it's a whole lot safer to travel from QC to Taytay.

My office is nothing grand. It’s just a cubicle in the corner of the news div of ABS-CBN. Seven researchers share 2 computers; the EP and AP each have one. (a lot of my officemates bring their laptops to work, i couldn't bring GRNT, malaki siya masyado plus disabled siya;p) we each have lockers (mine contains the ff: a small towel, toiletries, an extra shirt and undies) we do have a television (with cable connection), a printer (a very efficient printer if I may add), a fax machine (na minsan nawawalan ng dial tone) a non functional water dispenser (well, kasi hindi ginagamit, nagka  ex-deal yata with a bottling company, andami naming bottled water.) tons of paper (be it clean sheets, scrap paper or old scripts.) and a sun, hanging right in the middle of our cubicle's ceiling - Grinning from ear to ear.

it must be the sun, that keeps the atmosphere in this cubicle, almost always light - no harsh words are ever spoken, only those that encourage, give affirmation and offer sound advice. no tension can be sensed in the atmosphere, everybody works professionally and the best part: nagtutulungan lahat.

[the entry ends there, inantok yata ako nun kaya hindi ko natapos. I decided to take a “power nap” (na inabot ng 6 hours!!! haha) pag gising ko umuwi nako ng bahay, naligo at bumalik rin ng office.

I’m not sure why I used the “lost in transition” line, probably because I wanted to talk about my difficulties in adjusting to my life now as a researcher. May 1 month din akong bum na walang ibang ginagawa kundi manood ng kung anu-anong drama/movies sa internet. Tapos ngayon balik nanaman sa busy life, all nighters at deadlines. I told a friend once na I had this feeling na this job “came over me in a rush”, na nagulat din ako na ininterview palang ako nung hapon, kinagabihan hired nako at pinapagreport kinabukasan. Ang ironic kasi though I was looking and praying for a job for like a month already, nung nagkaroon nako finally ng trabaho, na realize ko na hindi parin pala ako handa. The first week at work was relatively lighter compared to the second, kasi hindi pa mag-eere yung ep kung saan ako na-assign. My first segment aired earlier this morning kaya sobrang stressed ako itong week na to. dun nako sa office natutulog, uuwi lang ako ng bahay para maligo, magpalit ng damit at humingi ng pera (wala pang sweldo, dependent parin sa magulang hekhek) kahapon nung umuwi ako parang ayoko nang bumalik ng office, kasi namiss ko yung kama ko, the house and my family too. but I still went back to abs, kasi I still had to do a lot of things.

Though the week was stressful, it was really bearable. because 1.) sanay ako sa UP noon na halos wala ring tulugan dahil sa mga prod and other requirements, 2.) kasi masarap katrabaho ang ML people. What I mentioned in the entry above is true – lahat ng tao ditto sa ML sobrang nagtutulungan. Ramdam na ramdam ko kung paano ako inalalayan nung office mates ko. Sasamahan nila akong humiram ng tapes, ituturo nila kung paano gawin ang mga bagay bagay and the best part – kapag frustrated nako gagawa sila ng paraan to boost my morale. They’re professional, hard working, understanding and supportive. I really couldn’t ask for more I feel blessed to have been a part of this team.

Honestly nung una, ayoko sana dito. sa interview nung tinanong ako ni ma’am tonie kung san ko gusto, kung dito sa ML or dun sa bagong show, sabi ko dun ako sa bagong show. I was really half-hearted when I started but after everything that happened last week, pati na rin yung team building sa sitio lucia last week-end, I could now, whole-heartedly say that I do love this job and the people that I work with. And the cubicle that I was describing earlier – that for me is home.]

JUNE 5, 2008 5:26 am

The bum's life ends tonight. Well, actually it really ended earlier this evening. I’m just taking a break. I’ve been researching for hours already, I needed to rest.

I just viewed some of the videos which my sister had been downloading for the past month. They’re mostly videos of this jap boyband called NEWS. I don't really love their music but hey, the guys are kinda good looking (especially yamapi) so what the heck.

One song was quite interesting. It’s about a guy who finds it hard to verbalize how he feels for someone he likes.

Jump cut to something that happened earlier tonight: 

A friend of mine lamented about how a confession of love was finally made by someone she cares for. The problem is, the confession came a little too late. Pain was already inflicted only because three little words were left unspoken.

How ironic. man invented vocabulary, words, syntax, grammar, etc, etc - a set of rules for easy communication, to express themselves, their thoughts and feelings only to find themselves unable to verbalize the strong emotions that they feel.

----------

I too have things left unspoken. And before this job ever gets in the way, allow me to address my former household.

YEAHH: this is something I wrote around 6 months ago
---------

December 29, 2008 12:29 am
truly, my brothers and sisters in YFC have shown me acts of kindness – their kind replies to my long text messages (ranting about life), their words of encouragement, the companionship and the prayers. What’s best about them is that they never judge me whenever I fall victim to my enslaving vices,

 I thank God for Kuya Flip – thanks, kuya flip for not looking down on me because of my weaknesses and for not judging me for being too weak yet too proud.

 Thanks ate anne for being a good listener and “booster” of morale, for staring at me with kind, loving eyes whenever I break into tears during our one to ones.

 Mond and Kat, Thank you guys for keeping me company on that cold December night. That moment in BK is one of the times that I’ll forever hold dear. You didn’t say anything, you just sat there and listened as I poured out my pain. Only God knows how relieved I was to finally blurt out everything that I’ve been keeping for months. And guys, I appreciate a whole lot how you walked to SBC just to fetch me when you found out that I didn’t have any umbrella. With that little gesture of yours, I felt loved. Thank you.

 Thank you pARt. I owe you a great deal. You literally ran the entire program on your own. I was too caught up with my personal issues and I failed to realize that I was already giving you a hard time. I never heard any complaints from you despite my absence. Sorry and thanks pARt. And oh I read your note which said “partners till the end” and yes pARt, I do agree. Partners till the end. Thank you.

 Thanks Eugene – for the countless times that you gave me a ride home even if it was out of the way. You remember that early September morning when you willingly offered to bring me to Katipunan from AR’s place (PFO night for sectorcon)? I realize now that I was rude when I made you and Otep wait for like 30minutes outside our house only to be shooed away by a half asleep, half thankless me. Sorry bro. and thank you.

 To Jhoana, thanks for the companionship, the stories, the little surprises (short notes, this Gtec, I’m using right now) and the friendship that survived four long years. I admire your disposition in life and how you could still smile despite the things that you’re going through. You and AJ are two of my most admired household heads.

 Cat, my sis for almost a decade (well, around 6 years). Thank you for teaching me how to get to Ortigas from UP via bus, for the chorale practices with Kuya Gary, ate Grace, etc, for the countless camps that we went to together and for all the other times that we shared.

 Marco, thank you for the pats on the head, the inspiring words and for being there during the 1^st night of our Creative Camp. Thank you for simply inspiring me with how you have grown spiritually. And thanks for the unceasing, monotonous yet very sincere “Bye, ingat, God bless”

 Kuya Cy, you have always managed to make me laugh even during the lowest moments of my life. I admire your soothing modulated voice, your “kuya”-like aura and your inspiring commitment. Thanks for the kurot-an moments and your funny comments about my soft tuhod and braso.

 Daniel, thank you for entrusting your secrets to me. I admire your courage to expose your weaknesses seeing them as more room for God to work. You kakulitan never fails to lift my moods. And thank you for the many times that you have “spoiled” me by doing things for me (like getting me food/something to drink, or letting me ride as jeep first)

 Thank you Violi for sharing your secrets. Thank you for the tricycle rides, the chitchats in the jeep and for being a sweet little girl.

 Thank you Leah for being just as trusting. Thanks for sharing God’s victory in every aspect of your life, be it in school, love life, your relationship with your family, and your service. Thank you for simply being young and inspiring.

 Same goes with emman. I would forever remember how you manage laugh at ujin’s jokes about you, but more than that I will always remember the way you pray: with so much passion, conviction and joy.

 Thank you to the Miranda sisters. The relationship between you guys is what I wish to have with my own sister. Thank you ate Lian for always being nice and accommodating. Thank you ate Leah for the inspiration. You are, for me, a living proof that the YFC life and the UP life need not be two separate entities.

 Given all that you have done for me, the question is, what have I done for you in return? All these time, I was too concerned about my fears, my dilemmas and pain that I never took the time to listen to your stories, to your words of advice and loving correction. There were times that I did but once I got caught up in my own sorrows I fail to remember the lessons that I’ve learned from your struggles and victories.

 You guys have loved me, flaws and all but I even tried to push you away. I’m sorry.

 -----

 When I wrote this, a month has already passed when I started to “push you away” I have been trying to stay away because I know that in a few months, I’d be leaving. Kailangan masanay ng wala kayo. The plan failed of course because lo and behold, right now, I am still attached to yeahh  just as I was a several months back. Hay nako ang hirap nyong kalimutan.

 Things may not be how they were used to be but nothing could ever change the fact that the when I reach the end of my journey the 2 years that I spent with you guys would be on my “best years in my life” list. 

 To the TGIF turned TGIS barkada, here’s to a fun-filled and inspiring service in SFC

To the TGIF turned TGIT barkada (yung laging maaga natatapos sa household hehe:p) I am excited to see how God will work in your lives through that household.

To those who are serving God through their jobs and by spending time with their families, my prayers are with you. I miss you guys already.

To ate Anne and kuya Flip, I owe you this 2^nd life. Thank you.

God. You really work wonders in our lives by using the people that we meet. I am humbled. Thank you.

 -----------

Let’s go back to the song that I was telling you about earlier. The guy who finds it hard to say “I love you” tries din naman to tell the girl how he feels but, on each attempt to confess, instead of saying "i love you" he blurts out something else. In the subtitle, the code for "aishiteru" is written as such --> *#@%*. When sung it sounds like “yeahh, yeahh, yeahh”

 For the singer YEAHH meant “I Love You.”

Well for me, the equation is a lot simpler

YEAHH = LOVE

just got home from work. joke. nakauwi ako kaninang 10pm. umalis kasi ako ng office  9pm na, i had to research on stuff pa. i was productive today, despite the fact na sira yung tyan ko (nanaman. sabi ni dan parang forever nalang daw sira yung tiyan ko. :D) nakapasok parin ako this afternoon, had (late) lunch with dan and teryo and finished a little more than half of the work assigned to me. (in fairness, one week in advance ako, natututo na yata akong hindi mag-cram. bayad na kasi tong trabahong to! haha! mukhang pera!!!)

my day wasn't perfect though...when i got home my mom told me something that kinda made me regret the choice i made about a week ago.

haha, whatever happened to "they also serve those who stand and wait"?

haaaaaaaaay. it really is "sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along"

inaccurate forecast. i have never been this happy to be proven wrong!!!
Cook won over Archuleta by 12 million votes!!!
12 million votes. woah, ang laki nun. but in fairness to archuleta, he definitely put up a good fight. i mean he's one of the most talented contestants this season.
i really thought he'd win the title, the judges were all in favor of him last night. apparently, America thought otherwise.
well done America, well done! haha!

Archuleta will win the title but it is Cook who will top the charts.

I watched the season finale earlier this evening and i would have to admit that Archuleta was fantastic (especially in his second performance) Cook was just ok. i liked him better when he sang always be my baby, billie jean, music of the night and i don't wanna miss a thing. oh what the heck, I'm still a DC fan. I'm definitely gonna get a copy of his first album.

my sister and i did some general cleaning sa room namin kaninang morning. a funny thing happened while we were wiping the windows. for some entertainment naisipan namin magpatugtog ng music. we were listennig to Sparks and Brown's No Air and well, naturally,pag alam mo yung lyrics ng song sasabay ka sa pagkanta rayth? so hayun sumasabay kami sa pag belt out ni Sparks (yung samin ng sister ko medyo pasigaw version). there was this guy who happened to pass by and sakto naman na bumirit si Jordin so kami rin ni sister more join sa pagkanta (or pagsigaw?) nagulat si kuyang dumadaan at talagang napatingala siya samin ng sistereth ko. as in yung itsura niya para siyang ginulat talaga! tawa kami ng tawa ni khiara, as in. we were laughing so hard di na kami halos makahinga. sakit pa ng tiyan namin!

anyway, what i really wanted to talk about here is how surprised i was at how easy it was for me to dispose of some memorabilias, which i never thought of getting rid of months back. old readings, used notebooks, old scripts from my BC101 and 121 classes, my ini outfit (i was more than willing to throw them away) broken key chains and dried flowers were only but a few of the stuff that filled our trash can to the brim.

cool, i am letting go of unecessary trash/ burden. that's nice.



soon, only the airplanes and a few close friends will know about it. the airplanes and the midnight wind will take them all away. eleven-five-nine marks the day.

cross roads.
the future is bleak
the past filled with too many wasted opportunities and missed chances
the present? non-existent.
regetful? perhaps. but i've been in this state for way too long already.

the dream sequence MUST end. and something tells me that being able to change my email password is a start. i am moving forward. the wounds are finally starting to heal